15: Too Many Resolutions
Welcome to 2012! By our calculations, the world should have ended two days ago, when loads of Skittles fell into a volcano – creating a molten rainbow of lethal fruit flavour. On the off-chance that I’m still alive, I might as well post this load of old bullshit up for you to listen to. And ... Read more
16: Overheard Stand-Up Birthday Thing
With all four power Zords back in the room, Rita Repulsor’s latest mutant creation won’t stand a chance! Oh no, it’s a creature made entirely out of spines! And he’s using his own mutation to make puns that accompany his attacks! “Put your back into it, Power Rangers,” he just said. Someone do something, I ... Read more
17: Would You Like Rice With That?
Here’s your feature platter for this epiSODe Log recounts a fairy tale about Steve’s worklife difficulties, and finishes with a controversial haiku. Steve takes the opportunity to initiate a rhyming battle that would make 50 Cent rub his eyes and throw away a brandy bottle, before Matt capitalises on a dead dictator’s infatuation with Condoleezza ... Read more
18: It’s Self-Censorship Gone Sane
Sometimes no-one’s happy about a thing. Sometimes a thing is indefensible. At that time, you must take stock, and dance your way out of the doldrums. What a lot of fun we’re having now, eh? Dance, you beautiful bastards! Dance into the fire! Hahah! Now you are burning! The reason this episode is late is ... Read more
19: The Luxury Model
Look, I have a terrible time remembering things. If you hoisted up your shirt for a second, and ask me to memorise your stomach, I’d be so stressed about whether you wanted me to look at your nipples, navel, or the patterns of your swirling gut hair, that I’d just go cross-eyed and think about ... Read more
20: Supermodel Bears and Bummer Massage
What do stories need? A beginning and an end, with an optional middle section if you’re fond of the sound of your own fucking voice. In this very special twentieth gala celebration edition of Regular Features, we’ve got a whole barrel of bumholes all puckered up for a friendly finger, and every one of them ... Read more
Think podcasts don’t have seasons? You’re absolutely right. We just didn’t do one for a while and tried to retcon our laziness. With that in mind, welcome to Season 2, where we will resolve some themes, build on others, and build up to a game-changing finale!
22: Doctor Badass Zuckerberg’s Ladyquiz
Log here. I’m not in this episode, because I’m in America. You wouldn’t believe what they’ve got over here! Jaws 5 is out, and it’s in ALL TEN DIMENSIONS. And there’s a new kind of Mega Drive with a controller that’s a Mobius Strip that you climb inside. I’m far too busy jawing with my ... Read more
23: Gwen’s American Facebook Horse
We recorded this weeks ago, but we had some legal problems with Steve’s voice. Apparently it sounds a bit too much like sexy Colin Farrell, and he’s been causing women to synthesise an explosive powder in their rudest pipe. When licked by the sandpapery tongue of a cat, this ignites, causing the cat’s whiskers to ... Read more
24: Underwater Animal Whore
Listen to Steve, as he recounts for the second time his tale of sexual and financial awakening. Listen to Log’s magical soundscape, which he reproduces for a second time. Both these men heroically repeat their features for the benefit of Matt, who failed to record the last episode. Honestly, if we could find new ways ... Read more
25: The Mystery Machine
They say that operating within contraints is a boon to creativity. Well, in our first themed episode, we’ve shown that little theory up for the bullshit it is. Listen, to this – our quarter century landmark podcast, and think “wait a minute, didn’t I used to like this show? Wasn’t number 7 really good?”
26: The Sad Suicide of the Freecycle Poultry Child
What’s that in your eye? Not that eye. The other eye. Is it…? It is, isn’t it? It’s a winnit! You’ve been walking around with a bloody winnit in your eye, you manky old sod. Jesus
27: DJ Apple Sexy Hour feat. Jack & Jill
What was that film that was out ages ago? Oh yeah, Jack & Jill. Well, we just watched that. Give us six months and we might mention Avengers Assemble! NO STEVE THIS WEEK, PUT YOUR KNICKERS BACK ON
28: Sponsored Wedding Muggers
If I have one pet peeve it’s when people say “Titled, imaginatively enough,” to be defusing and self-deprecating about a predictable title. The next person I hear saying this will be subjected to a long crusade of charm and courtship, until I finally get them to marry me, at which point I will transform into ... Read more
29: Alien Banjo Tube
There are several points in this podcast where I (Log) laugh too loudly. I’m sorry for enjoying myself, OK? Maybe I’ll just sit here being less of a happy person. Perhaps you’d like that. I don’t think I do want to go bowling now. I’d only put you off by laughing. It’s such an ugly ... Read more
30: Montreal Slave Instinct
Thirty! That’s 4.28 in human podcasts, if this was a dog podcast. So woof up a nice bone, sniff around until you find something nice, then take a big unselfconscious shit in your own ears by listening to this.
31: Sedated on the Holiday Train (with Nolan North)
Bang! And with that banging sound, lands Episode 31. Isn’t it adorable? Imagine that all in your ears! Nice. See if you can spot the point at which Log phases out from the heat and hangover, and becomes locked into a five second loop of thought which prevents him talking for the last half of ... Read more
32: Balloon Football Director
Steve gets stalked by a helium balloon, Matt teaches you how to say the word Football, and Log meets a man who directs ‘pornography’.
33: Northern RnB Racism
“Come on baby, light my fire.”“Papa’s got a brand new bag.”“Baby, You’re A Rich Man.”“Wee Papa rule the dance.” This is why babies and poppas can’t get along. They don’t listen, and end up talking a load of clueless shit to each other. Speaking of which – segues! If you want to watch Matt’s rap ... Read more
34: Missing Irish Roller-Coasters
Hi, I’m Log. Hey, don’t crowd me, fans. Hands off the threads, don’t touch what you can’t afford. Give a guy some room to ‘bate his penis. I’m not in this one. I did, however, edit it. And let me tell you, those boys were NAUGHTY while I was away! But don’t take my word ... Read more
35: Roger Toasts Danielle
Idea – why don’t I use this space to tell you about the features in the show? GAV takes us on a brief tour of domestic unhappiness as we enjoy the story of a distraught foster mother. STEVE tells us about his day, which involves a budding friendship with a revolting UKIP MEP. Finally, LOG ... Read more
36: Murder Your Slurry God
Well, that title’s nothing if not attention-seeking. LOG! Discusses the possible scenarios in life where an imminent Godchild might ask him for guidance. GAV! Brings up the story of a man who wanks into threshers – but only if they’re full of excrement STEVE! asks us to differentiate between glaciers and mass murderers – which ... Read more
37: Fifty Shades of Duty-Free Batman Cock
That’s a title that doesn’t need explaining. It should all be abundantly clear what you’re about to listen to.
38: Wenlock’s Sensory Basketball
Turn that brown-eye upside-downeye with this, the latest and most 38 Episode yet! The running order goes something like this: LOG! sidesteps having a feature by virtue of the podcast being as old as he is. STEVE! hears that a man on the telly has a voice like his own, and deals with it GAV! thinks ... Read more
39: The Murphy Intervention
I’m not the person who usually uploads this. I hope you can’t tell. I hope it’s seamless. I hope I don’t make mistakes. You’ll know it’s working if you can click the embedded player below and 40 minutes later your opinion of Gav has changed.
40: The Readers Wives’ Dark Pussy Riot
I haven’t listened to this one yet myself. So let’s sit back and listen together – we can tut in unison, roll our eyes simultaneously, and squint in synchronised partial comprehension at this, the very fortieth issue of REGULON FEATREX 5000. Comin’ at you live, like a mother-shuntin’ Pinocchio.
41: Celebrity Dating Sweeney Banter (with extra kissing)
You know when you make up a joke when you’re a kid and you google it 20 years later and find out that someone on b3ta did it in 2008? Yeah well that just happened with me and “There’s a Hindu kush, all over the world tonight.” Alright it’s not technically a joke, and yeah, ... Read more
42: Garfield’s Nine-Eleven Crown Jewels Adventure
Cover the walls in soothing balm and slam your body against them
43: Scouting for Dead Friends
Hey, I uploaded Episode 34 first, so if you’ve got an old episode, simple delete and re-download. No, I’m not apologising. EDIT: hello this is the drafts squirrel im just rooting through some drafts on the regularfearture blog searching for nuts, but waht is thsi its a blog post that shoudlve gone up a few ... Read more
44: Parkinson’s Skyfall Poem
I’m trying to start a new insult. “That guy is such a polyp”. “Don’t be a grade-A polyp, Siobhan.” I don’t think it’ll take off if I’m being honest. Anyway, here’s 44. And what a shabby mess it is, my friends
45: Looper Tattoos… for Breakfast?
Late? You’ll be late in a minute if you don’t shut up
46: Just A Sexist Alien
If I had a pound for every time someone had offered me a penny for my thoughts and not actually given me a penny for my thoughts once I’d given them, I’d actually prefer that.
47: Cat Nan Fez
BEHOLD THE BENEFITS OF PREPARATION Witness their benefits by experiencing their absence Sorry
E1: Emergency Podcast Number One
TWO MEN DOWN. THIS PODCAST WILL BE BROADCASTING ON EMERGENCY CHANNELS UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE (next week)
48: Six-Star Porn Slogans
Log: Oh, publish them both then#WhopsIt’s not what I use, so I assume no-one uses it me: what, the blog? Log: Yeah. Just get a feed reader, idiots. Who listens to podcasts on a blogme: yeah, fucking morons
49: The Spy Riddle Ticket
Here is your Ogg Vorbis fact of the day: “the most consistently cited problem with Vorbis is pre-echo, a faint copy of a sharp attack that occurs just before the actual sound (the sound of castanets is commonly cited as causing this effect).” http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Castanets
50: Episode Flipping Fifty
FIFTY! It’s the most important number. Jimmy Tarbuck boasted of his “nifty fifty” on a game show that might have been Winner Takes All. It was the number, after 0891 and repeated three times, that got you through to an exciting telephone chatline. It is what a bullseye is worth. And now, most impressively of ... Read more