73: Eye of the Shitstorm
For one festival, Steve took up an unenviable tenancy: a short-term leasehold in the centre of a turd hurricane. He tells us his story, and it goes on for the whole fucking podcast. Enjoy. Enjoy it.
74: Megadog Punchdrunk Sex Problems
A mysteriously terrified dog, sexual frustration in a pitch-black cupboard, and extensive wanking chat. This is Regular Features by-the-numbers. Textbook stuff, really. Tired. Total waste of time.
75: Creepy Steve’s Table Proposition
Gawping at testes without written permission, refusing to give up a table, and how to appropriately try and seduce a professional working within the games industry. Special thanks to Ultra Combo! (http://ift.tt/1kc59Ot)
76: Magic Toilet Water Barges
What do barges, toilet cubicles, men with spotty backs and enchanted Japanese water have in common? Absolutely nothing! That’s not how this podcast works, you should understand that by now.
77: Philip Seymour Buttock
Do you want hear about Steve’s juicy, bruised buttock? Do you want to listen to an innacurate and poorly acted tribute to Philip Seymour Hoffman? If so, you have a peculiar set of desires. Is there nothing else you want from life? And how will you find the energy to go on, after this podcast ... Read more
78: Noisy Wildstar Birthday Neighbours
Gav indirectly murders a woman by alerting her captors to his discovery of their secret dungeon in the flat below his. Steve feigns competence in yet another aspect of his life. Log sits in the corner in a big Victorian ruff, dispensing pink champagne truffles like birdseed, each swing of his arm becoming more and ... Read more
79: Helmer’s Great Bustard Windmill
I put the microphone on the right setting this time, so cool your pies and ladle a hot scoop of this omnidirectional audio into your hungriest holes. Moor our podbarge in your ear canal and we’ll waive the docking fee cos you’re nice. Yeah download the file and hoof it right into your brain come ... Read more
80: Putin’s Sexy Bin War Newsletter
Matt provides advice for after the UK’s inevitable surrender to Russia and details the first stages of The Great Bin War, Steve reads out his first draft of his Helmer newsletter, and Log gets informed he’s an alcoholic just like everybody else.
81: Diagnosing Starbucks Strangers in SPACE
Gav diagnoses himself, Steve recounts awful oddballs from Starbucks, and Log takes us on a magical adventure into the games industry… IN SPACE.
82: Soiling The Fascist Taxi
Log comes in with a sick note from his tummy, which has been misbehaving in spectacular ways. Matt continues preparing us for our new Russian masters by trying to turn us all fascist, and Gav brings in a recording with a taxi driver who knows a little too much about aviation and women. God, you ... Read more
83: Lawsuit EU-rself
Steve puts off sending the email that will land the Regular Features team in prison by adding yet more libellous garnish to his Roger Helmer newsletter, while Log reviews the curious case of Mister Catty, the cat everybody is suing everybody else over. Mister Catty! Do you know how much trouble you have caused? MISTER ... Read more
84: You’ve Got Mail
The Regular Features team, in what courts will agree is their most co-operative act yet, send a fake newsletter to Roger Helmer’s legion of UKIP followers. We’ll say it straight up now so as not to disappoint: it doesn’t arrive in their inboxes in time to make this episode the thrilling spectacle we had anticipated ... Read more
85: Welcome to Helmergeddon
The Roger Helmer newsletter saga comes to a delicious conclusion as the boys finally receive replies to the spoof newsletter they sent out to Rog’s confused and bonkers fans.
86: Right-Wing Arseholes
Log notices a similarity between this and his favourite podcast, while Gav asks us whether we’re arseholes, by comparing our answers to a curiously specific checklist of observed behaviour.
87: Chocolate Flavoured Space Arguments
Steve surprises Matt and Gav with some chocolate as they recount tales of spousal abuse and fainting in bed.
88: The Magic of Home and Away
Matt describes the quiet hostility of moving in with your partner, Steve undoes an ancient hex, and Log drops a “fuck you, I’m off” bombshell that’s not quite as dramatic as it could be
89: Trans-Atlantic Icelandic Antics
With Gav and Steve shipping out to Iceland for a week of crazy horse adventures, the podcast team is torn asunder and the regularity of the now-reliably-weekly Regular Features falls into mild jeopardy. Can one hundred thousand kilometres of ocean or whatever it is stop us from bringing you the LATEST thing of the thing ... Read more
90: Donate My Bony Horse Impostor
A fortnight old encounter with a horse has Steve still running on equine feature fumes, while Log’s pelvic altruism sees him donating every cubic inch of useful insides. Meanwhile Gav is… hold on, what the eff? WHO THE EFF??
91: Megagames For Haunted Children
Matt did something cool in real life and tells us about it like a big showoff, Gav has arsehole friends on Facebook so you don’t have to, and Log discovers that simply walking around can throw anywhere up to TWO behavioural dilemmas into your path
92: Sold Out Puppeteering Boat Abusers
Three people should equal three features, right? WRONG. Gav barely does anything in this one, Steve’s strangely absent but Log saves it all with a sexy list.
93: Sitges Bitches
Team Features is on ACTUAL holiday, broadcasting AS LIVE from sunny Sitges, where Matt is being omni-molested in both the eyeballs (with an unbidden sighting of a rough anus on waking) and then right on the male penuz what he’s got. That’s why you can hear birds in this episode, because apparently Spanish birds love ... Read more
94: International Horcrux Skype Adventures
Matt and Steve dial themselves ACROSS THE GLOBE to collect the precious mind-fluids of Log and Gavin. Will they restore peace to the land before the horcrux shards fall into evil hands?
95: Inflatable Ginster’s Agony Aunt
Is it pronounced Ginster’s or Jinster’s? We say it every way in this, the ninety fifth episode of the podcast what we have been doing.
96: The Live Summer Goodbye Show
Live and unedited, because who can be arsed with *that*. Matt collides European music with hurled confections, Steve conducts a live action game of Fantasy Football, Gav commits a treachery so profoundly recursive that it makes good men evil, and Log says goodbye. For about twenty minutes. One word, twenty minutes. Also we got hijacked ... Read more
97: Post Euphoric Chill 2: A Sequel
After the live show, comes the traditional hangover. No features, no jingles, and I’ll even go as far as to say no Matt Lees. Just dullened patter from three men who are reaping a whirlwind with their tiny weather scythes
E4: Drinking From a Dog’s Dick
After a full week’s run of ‘episodes that don’t contain Matt’, this week’s episode is mostly Matt talking to Log about Glastonbury. It turns out that without at least two people glaring at him to shut the fuck up, it’s something that simply doesn’t happen.
98: Vegetarian Bear Pub
In this truth-led special, Gav quizzes Log on his knowledge of the law as it pertains to pubs, Steve tells the true story of Quorn, and his conversion to a meat-eating subsection of vegetarianism, and Log imagines a book about a woman having sex with a bear, because it’s way easier than actual research
99: Learning to Seduce Steve at a Wedding
Would you like a flake with this shit joke, sir? No? Oh dear. Well, prepare to hear the team make that exact same shit joke again, while Steve takes us through Driving Theory, Log recounts the specific reasons why Steve refuses to sleep with him, and Matt desperately tries to stop people from inviting Gav ... Read more
99.9: Hold On We’re Not Ready Yet Oh God
As we speed faster and faster towards our glorious Regular Features centenary, we unceremoniously stall the podcast engine, forcing us to pull over on to the information superhighway’s hard shoulder for this very special emergency prolongation episode. Steve, Gav and infrequent interloper Joe Skrebels dish up an echoey slice of audio to tide you over ... Read more
100: The Unintended Live Show
It was never meant to be like this: we were going to have a meet-up with some Patrons (and associated freeloaders), then retire to a room after hours to have a private podcast. Instead, we got so excited that we ended up doing a spontaneous live show. So here is Episode 100, in all its ... Read more
101: Back to the Future of Doctor Who
All rules are off in this bleak and lawless post-centenary comedown, as Log’s audacious series of Doctor Who scripts skirts the closest we’ve yet come to repeating a feature. Meanwhile Gav plomps through a timehole to the 1950s, returning with a lovely story about how people are shit. Also! Tombola time! We spin the prize ... Read more
102: Room-Booming Tea Rule Nightmare
Matt arrives back from America with tales about how he played around with bombs and Obama, Gav wants to clarify social etiquette regarding cafes and cups of tea, and Steve is trapped in an unending nightmare that even the King’s greatest wizards seem unable to prevent. Will our adventurers find the crystal and save Steve ... Read more
103: Camden Fringe 2014 Live Show #1
Steve reinvents #travelawks, Gav gives sage advice to the world, Matt finds literature on the tube, and Log commentates full Olympic-grade sex between him and Steve, causing members of the live audience to physically leave.
104: Camden Fringe 2014 Live Show #2
Three out of the four chaps perform live guff with the aid of an ACTUAL ROBOT. Worth watching in video form, if you’d like to do such a thing: http://ift.tt/Wfn1AR
105: Smart Celebrity Nudes
Hey, did you know? There are exactly as many members of Regular Features as there are Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Our weapon proficiencies roughly match up too. Log, for example, is *such* a Michelangelo, but rather than using dual nunchucks he prefers to fight with a bo staff, which you’ll note is typically the weapon ... Read more
106: Chumpy Junkers and the Hot Punky Sikhs
Literally no idea what happened in this one. Sorry.
107: Lazy Compilation Special
Well crumbs and titties, it turns out that Team Features couldn’t get together to record a podcast this week, and now, without our combined energies to stabilise it, the power crystal at the heart of our fortress shines wanly. It’s wan as balls and no mistake. To appease the podcast spirits and rejuvenate our withered ... Read more
108: The Ballad of F**k a Doodle Doo
Crikey, that titular swear got edited by someone, and it weren’t THIS fuckin’ guy. Steve risks his life to illegally drive a car, Log’s dog is acting up and God only knows what Matt was talking about but it goes on for AGES.
109: Award Winning Lego Finger-Spritz
Matt prepares a humble speech for an award ceremony he can’t attend, Gav follows a stranger around an awful art exhibition, and Steve investigates the chilling world of Boots product reviews.
110: Gamergate Widows
In this episode we finally investigate and uncover Matt Lees’s intense hatred of widows, a full woman-blasting fury so all-consuming that he even hates windows, both for sounding a bit like “widows” and for allowing widows to look through walls, something Matt believes they should not be allowed to do, considering what they are. Gav ... Read more
111: Murder in the Dragon’s Den
Gav appoints himself CEO of the podcast and listens to a sexy merchandise pitch from Matt as Steve decides that poor old Roger Helmer’s had enough. There’s also some stuff about murders.
112: An Indecent Chain Reaction
In this episode of the podcast that is called Regular Features, Steve fleshes out the Wikipedia entry for Chain Reaction, while Gav tells the story of a man whose flesh is out in Wales. Which one results in an anti-social behaviour order? You’ll have to listen to find out! Log and Matt also contribute, heroically.
113: The GameCity 2014 Live Show
“Who wants a Ding Dong?!” Haha! Classic Regular Features. But if you don’t know what a Ding Dong is or who’s offering you one or whether you want one, then you probably missed our GameCity live show last weekend. Luckily for YOU, we have recorded it on 2D soundribbon, ready to be barked back into ... Read more
114: The Fast And The Failurious
What do Log and Steve both have in common with the friendly and hard-working bee? Well, just like the bee, both Steve and Log cannot drive a car to any sort of standard that the law would term “basically competent”. Also like a bee, Steve and Log can only sting you once before dying. 🙁 ... Read more
115: Let’s Go To The Phones
Lift up your jumper and slap your belly to the beat of the rhythm of heart of the night, because it’s a one-off voicemail special that’s all about YOU. That’s right! YOU, the READER, are the star of the show as we read out the voicemail messages you left on our website not seven months ... Read more
116: The Jurassic ECG Taxi Tirade
Matt fails to understand the science behind medical technology and tries to replace it with half-baked whimsy, Steve and Gav have an argument about the Jurassic World trailer that sort of stems from nowhere and doesn’t initially appear to be a proper feature, and Log pretends to be angry in the back of a taxi ... Read more
117: Lazy Compilation Special 2
Sad news folks. Owing to an unavoidable technical glitch that made us all sound like dirty robots we’ve had to humanely destroy the *real* episode 117, so instead here’s a collection of classic features from the archives. From episode 36, Gav’s story about a slurry pervert.From episode 45, Steve and Log’s time travelling jokes.From episode ... Read more
118: Proper Moist Comet
Steve recounts the final hours of two robotic friends in space, Matt helps out a fellow comic in need, and Gav gets into an argument about how many letters are in a word.
119: Michael Barrymore’s Magician Redux
Gav brings up a magician from the past, Steve has dire warnings from his driving instructor, and guest Joe provides a “choose your own god” adventure quiz thing.
120: A Crambus Miracle
Welcome to this very special episode of Regular Features, in which Matt discovers the true meaning of Christmas, Steve discovers the true meaning of Christmas and as for Log, well, you’ll just have to wait and find out! (He discovers the true meaning of Christmas). In fact, all o dem boys be learnin bout Christmas, ... Read more