51: Sad Dog Lovin’
REGULAR FEATURES IN-JOKE HELPSHEET 1. We refer to Steve’s “airplane story” in this episode. This is because we’re toddlers who can’t understand that the contents of other people’s brains differ to those of our own. If you want to read Steve’s airplane story, we talked about it in Episode 33. 2. Matt says “it’s like ... Read more
52: Criminal Quake Joke
What kind of person listens to podcasts from a blog page? Who even are you?
53: It’s 53, Batch
Hey, 53 really sounds like Britney, doesn’t it? Britney Spears. And here’s hoping that you put this podcast into YOUR spears, which in this case is a contraction of the words “special ears”. (We said batch instead of bitch, because we didn’t want to sound misogynist. Batch can mean a nice loaf of bread, and ... Read more
54: Richard Burton’s Dad’s Noisy Legs
55: Sit On My Dick While I Drink This Coffee
Behold: the monofeature! We made a pact this episode to not have features, so we could all look breezy and nonchalant. Guess which prick whipped out a feature? CLUE: IT IS THE ONE WHO IS A PRICK. This is the point at which I reach out, sensing that my words were too harsh, the capitals ... Read more
56: Who, Or Whom, Touched My Fruity Chunks
Steve whips an important grammatical feature out of his spontaneous arse. Gav gets his dick touched by Hideo Kojima. And Log brings 1980s Perth to life, with Fruity Chunks – a precious artefact from his perverted friend’s childhood. Does that sound nice? Yeah. Let’s not talk about how long it’s been. Shusshhhh
57: Five Things I’ve Taken From Tomb Raider
What’s this? Some kind of three-weekly bullshit now? Take this: our cast-iron guarantee that if the next one takes this long, it’ll be Matt’s fault. And you can take that to the bank.
58: German Anchorman Sex Tape
Berlin! Berlin the Wizard of Arthurian Legend! Berlin The Bag Rice! “Brr, Lynne – it’s a bit cold.” “You’re telling me, George – my nips are rigid.” (c) George and Lynne, 1984. Also! EIGHT-TRACK SEX PORN and SAD ANCHORMAN TIME
59: Geriatric Trebuchet Manager
Let’s not fanny about – here’s a sexy waveform for your audio side-eyes There. That’s better, isn’t it?
E2: Emergency Podcast Number Two
I can’t remember if the “flavour text” goes above or below the embedded SoundCloud widget and rather than check any of the other posts I’m just going to take a punt at “below”. It’s an emergency and this is one of my emergency powers okay.
60: The Jaws Of Danielle Steel
Log tries to find sexy bits in a Danielle Steel novel, and Gav is appalled that the Jaws novelisation he bought on eBay appears to be aimed at the educationally subnormal. Were you expecting the live podcast? Tough. That’s next week, screw you.
61: A Live Podcast
The first Regular Features Live podcast was an unexpected success, thanks to those of you who bothered your arses to turn up. You guys: awesome. There was one guy there who doesn’t even listen to the show, and even he had a nice time. That guy: awesome. The rest of you? Awesome status: PENDING
62: The Happy, Furry, Lion
Matt learns how to be happy, Log learns happiness in the touch of strangers, and Steve learns how to Google “lion”. Sorry about the popping in this one, someone set the mic volumes to “Sir Popsalot”
63: The Archers’ Dream Fart
Matt cures censorship with a dose of old-fashioned farm sex, Gav gets upset about something Matt did in his dreams, and Log recounts a series of farts that amused him. Steve attends charmingly.
64: Hangout With Your Wang Out
Matt complains about the use of the official Regular Features Hangout, Log features in the dream of a reader, and Gav whips out some 19th Century sex
65: Just Center Parcs and Semen
Gav embarks on a six month mission to populate the world with heinous wee feckers, and Log discovers that Center Parcs is a place where you pick up some super cool facts and fungal infections.
Two Wanks And A Nice Think
Gav rounds off his adventures in spunking into bottles with a heartbreaking conclusion, Steve commits an even more grotesque act of masturbation, and Matt helps us all to relax. Log is there too.
67: The James & Diana Awards
It’s a double-scripter! Log reprises the Diana movie, while Matt does a James Bond thing. Meanwhile, Gav showers us in awards and thick, syrupy liquids.
68: Voicemail From The Gym
Irregular Creatures: The Second Live Podcast
It’s the second live podcast – now with more visual jokes than ever! Gav haunts a 17-year-old on Facebook, Matt chills our bones with a Christmas Carol, Steve lets us choose our own spooky adventure – with sound effects! – and Log produces Chloe, The Awful Baby out of a bag he was given by ... Read more
Emergency Podcast 3: Post-Euphoric Chill
After the thrills of the live podcast, we go round Steve’s house, collect our thoughts, and answer some reader’s questions. The podcast was such a stain on the property that the leasehold expired, and Steve has since had to move house.
70: Green Man Gaming and the Time Ducks
Gav takes us on a duck heart journey, Log lets a demented cat-lover called Marialuisa take us on a fantasy science trip, and Steve explains why he hates our first affiliate, and why under no circumstances you should take advantage of the crazy prices at http://greenmangaming.com/regularfeatures
71: Recorded Live On Log’s Landing
Recorded at Log’s house, there was only one place far enough away from the fans of Log’s asthmatic PC, yet within the range of a medium-length USB cable. Squatted around a microphone at the top of his stairs, like a gang of chatty stair chimps. Thanks in advance for enjoying our podcast and buying twenty ... Read more
72: Merry Eczemas And A Happy Nausea
On this, the day that the first chestburster, Jesus Christ, sprang like a cartoon cuckoo clock from his mother’s right tit, we drink port, scoff Stollen, and give each other presents.