“Son, I’ve beefed!” laughed your dad.

“You’ve what?” you asked, poking your head through the attic hatch.

“Queefed out of my bum! A bum queef!”

“For fuck’s sake,” you shout, exasperated with your dad’s continuing efforts to make his everyday farts seem more exotic. “Stop trying to make beef happen, you fucking idiot”.

Unfortunately, you said this as your mum came out of the kitchen with a couple of lovingly-made beef dinners. And that’s why she left.

Jan 02

Welcome to the new Millennium. Here is a podcast that is exactly the same as it always was and always will be. We’re not changing and if you ask us to we’ll scream and we’ll scream and we’ll scream and then tell you to fuck off. HNY!! xx

Jan 09

Sound the horns, see the signs, taste the mud, smell a hedge, touch a friend, because this burr-rand new episode of the Regular Features podcast is a sensory overload. Log discovers a kindred soul with a love of big boys to match his own, Joe has unearthed Uri Geller’s application to join the government, and ... Read more

Jan 16

“Get that Grizzly out of my sandwich stash, Mr Hargreaves – or I’ll jam my Capri-Sun straw in his bunghole.” This is just one of the things you’d have heard at our primary school, where one of the teachers was an unruly Bear. But after he let a starving child lick honey off his paw, ... Read more

Jan 23


Jan 30

This week Steve, Joe, Matt and Gav go on an adventure to space to meet a long lost Uncle and then crash back down to earth to deal with a naughty virus.

Feb 06

I’ve got a tummy full of lentils and I’m ready to burn down a house. But before that, here’s another episode of Regular Features. In this one, Log tries to clap eyes on a houseworth of elusive alpha boys, Steve tackles the insidious influence of Big Pharma, and Matt tests out Log’s uncanny ability to ... Read more

Feb 13

Steve has gone to see the Sonic movie, and Log has noticed that it was a bit blowy recently. What more do you want? Oh, you want a song and dance do you? You want bells and whistles? You want me on all fours, with a bell around my neck and a whistle jammed into ... Read more

Feb 20

Another insurmountable crisis has left our boys unable to meet – but THAT won’t stop us! Let Steve take you on a super soaraway adventure in the highest place there is – space itself. Joe’s feature brings us crashing back to earth, and Log’s feature burrows as deep as humans have ever been – a ... Read more

Feb 27

Retrospective note from Hellworld 2021: In this episode, Joe is almost certainly describing a symptom of COVID-19. It’s just that “loss of smell and taste” was just the rumour of an anecdotal symptom back then. What a playful, oblivious hotbox this episode turned out to be! “Doctor! Doctor! They’re finally waking up!” “Who is, nurse ... Read more

Mar 05

You’ve got a lot of nerve showing your face around here after what you did last week, buster. But since you’re here we might as well snuggle into your earholes, on account of how warm it in inside your head. In this episode, Gav puts the doof in Dufresne, Steve gives proper hand washing instructions, ... Read more

Mar 12

In this episode, Log answers a decade old question about human Great Dane hybrid babies, Steve slips further into high-energy pandemic anxiety and Matt has an exclusive interview with the new health secretary. THANKS.

Mar 19

AND THUS BEGAN THE ERA OF APART Due to a bad smell going around we’re all locked indoors, so this week we bring you the first ever episode of Regular Features recorded using telephones and HTTP. If anyone ever called a bellend a “ham bell”, then at this point I would write “we put the ... Read more

Mar 26

Hello again, it’s us, dem boys with dem fancy teeth who keep comin round to fill up your brain with our special noises. In this episode, Log has tips and tricks for pivoting to pizza delivery, Steve has tips and tricks for when it is appropriate to be in the outside, and Joe has tips ... Read more

Apr 02

No need to pack your tiger for this one, because this episode’s got loads of them just lying around for free. Tigers in the rafters. Tigers in the floorboards. Tigers in the void between the walls. An entire tiger compressed into a bread bin who smiles at you when you open it in search of, ... Read more

Apr 09

Log runs us through his Zoom meeting bingo card, Steve is torn to shreds by the irradiating power of 5G masts, and Gav concludes the saga of his encounter with a blue tick scammer. This one gets *messy* towards the end, and for that we apologise, but all this social distancing malarkey makes us thirsty ... Read more

Apr 16

It’s more important than ever to keep your mind and body in tip top shape, so this week we bring you the full spectrum of mental and physical stimulation. Log titillates your retinals with his rainbow reviews, Joe speculates your imaginationoids with the peculiar views from his kitchen window, and Steve supplicates your glutinates with ... Read more

Apr 23

You know how you can revive a sleepy bee with a tiny teaspoon of sugar water? That works on us too. In fact, why don’t you come round when this is all over and pipette some of that sweet shug-shug into our glug-glugs to give us the pep we need to get going in the ... Read more

Apr 30

Here’s a nice little edible arrangement for you. BITE into Log’s feature about competitive horniness. SUCKLE on Joe’s story of an elk in a department store. NIBBLE on Steve’s heart-wrenching tale of horseloss. Then give us your biggest smile, because you’re on camera baby. We’re watchin ya!

May 08

Don’t you just hate it when you get a duff Kinder Egg and the capsule is just full of matted old hair? Sure, you could try to prop the wiry tuft up next to your completed collection of Tiny Terrapins and pretend that all is well, but it just doesn’t fit in, and to be ... Read more

May 14

Pot the reds then screw back for a brand new episode of the hippest podcast on the baize. It’s Regular Features, you filthy little pocket botherers, and this week we’ve gone simply loopers for the ol’ spoopers. The snockets, the cue stew, the hot pink smackers. It’s SNOOKER baby, and that’s all she wrote. Log’s ... Read more

May 28

Live show! 8pm BST, June 13th on our YouTube channel We weren’t here for you last week, so have a luxurious king size episode on us. Lay down on it baby, roll around, grind your muddy shoes into the sheets and just soak it all up at your own pace. 58 minutes, hoo-whee, that’s long ... Read more

Jun 04

Guess what? It’s us again. I know right? We’re interminable. Can’t keep us off this thing. In this episode, Gav fights back against unimaginatively titled porn parodies, Log discovers Dominic Cummings’s old diary, and Steve finds a curious guest has been living in his plumbing.

Jun 10

We tried to record an episode of Regular Features but forgot the most important ingredient – FEATURES! It’s not suitable for public consumption and should only be listened to by our favourite people in the world so keep this under your fuckin’ hats, alright?

Jun 19

We did what no other podcast has the balls to do – a livestream live show!We’re sad we couldn’t celebrate in a pub with you guys but hopefully this is the next best thing. Because this is a live show, please excuse the odd audio glitch. Despite doing 400 episodes of this and inventing podcasting ... Read more

Jun 28

So I guess we’re doing another hundred of these things? Alright then. Easy. Doesn’t even bother us. Gav digs up feature dregs from the bottom of the ideas barrel and dusts them off, good as new. Steve is being haunted by a horrible adult baby who lives under the sink. And Log prepares his pub ... Read more

Jul 03

Politics. It’s bloody everywhere. Keir Starmer. Wow. In this episode of the Regular Features podcast, Gav’s gone politics mad about a biscuit baby, Steve has an entire parliament of teeth to contend with, and Joe does some serious bee science. The ayes have it. Let’s go.

Jul 10

[apologies for one CRACKLY mic, your headphones are FINE] Hey, it’s another piping hot rod of Regular Features. You could set your watch to these recent few episodes, but it would be a very bad watch and you’d frequently show up to appointments days late, banging on the windows and demanding to be allowed inside ... Read more

Jul 18

Welcome back to the Regular Features lab where we build clones of the boys for each consecutive week of podcasting. Please WATCH YOUR STEP we spilled some of the juice that makes Log and it will try and slide up your trousers. Anyway, this week our latest batch of semi-conscious homunculi farted out some podcast ... Read more

Aug 01

Look what the cat just dragged in: another episode of the Regular Features podcast. As if butter wouldn’t melt. As if the cat that drags us around wouldn’t use its hot cat breath to melt butter, given half the chance. Get a grip. Who do we think we are? Well we’re Steve, Log and Joe, ... Read more

Aug 06

Hope you’re hungry, because we’ve cooked up a three course feature meal just for you. For your starter, Joe is not best pleased with the new voice of Kermit the Frog. For your side salad, Steve’s been tucking into a government-funded Wagamama. And for your main? Oh no, Gav tripped and dropped his big pot ... Read more

Aug 15

Look, can we just get past the fact that Log recorded the first two-thirds of this podcast underwater? It’s really distracting from the fact that Steve learned loads about a Georgian gardener so that he could be really Irish again. And what about poor Joe? Joe read out an entire email, start to finish! Can ... Read more

Aug 21

Every time I upload these episodes it asks me to select a genre, and so I scroll down to the “comedy” tag and select it with all the unearned confidence of a Jimmy Carr type person, boldly declaring that what we do is so categorically hilarious that an entire Amazon Web Services database needs to ... Read more

Aug 28

Hey Google spiders, wrap your little legs around this bad boy. Steve lays out the steps required to properly disinfect a desk. HOW HIEGHT IS A TOM CRUISE. Gav’s been off to see Tenet. BERNIE SANDERS NUDES PICS THANKS. And Log has had a visit from a detective horse who investigates cryptic murders. VIDEO OF ... Read more

Sep 05

Open your hearts and close your eyes, fill your boots and empty your pockets, it’s another episode of the Regular Features podcast. In this one, Joe’s been eating in a dark room, Steve’s been investigating his dentist’s personal habits, and Log’s courted sponsors of the dairy variety. My pasta is boiling over so I must ... Read more

Sep 11

In this episode, Log lines up his successor, Steve is confounded by the sheer number and variety of new Xboxes, and Gav presses the big red abort button on a feature too hot for even his tastes.

Sep 18

In this episode? Joe’s got saturated eggs from Morrisons. Steve confers the insatiable libido of Mister Game & Watch. And friend of the podcast Zim has an update on the status of his biggest boys.

Sep 26

Grab the heaviest spoon in the kitchen and tuck into this week’s big bowlful of ice cold Regular Features, fortified with so much vitamin BEE it will make your freakin’ head spin off into a bin and the bin man come and he take it away. Wow! In this episode, Gav challenges you to name ... Read more

Oct 03

Steve ranks a box of eggs. Joe got a big damn stink following him around. Gav has become infatuated with the rain. You can’t say fairer than that, can you? If you can, if you’re able to say fairer than that, please write to us and let us know how you did it, because we’re ... Read more

Oct 08

In this episode of the Regular Features podcast, Joe investigates Akon’s ambitious city building side gig, Steve waxes poetic about Trump’s havin’ honked up a hot guff of rona, and Gav uncovers the hidden meaning behind the song titles of some of your most revered rap megastars. I wouldn’t believe it if I hadn’t seen ... Read more

Oct 15

Let us whet your ears with our special ear-whetting words. Are they whet yet? Then let’s begin, baby. In this episode, Steve is chased around his place of work by a mean wizard. Joe invites us on a squash flavoured adventure of pickleball proportions. And Log reports back from yet another informative and helpful pubwatch ... Read more

Oct 23

We’re back to basics, stripped down, nude and unplugged. Log takes us to a haunted manor. Steve searches the cosmos for treasures untold, and Gav spends the night in a spooky, nay-spook-tastic, cottage. That’s right, it’s Regular Features doing what it does best: premature, mid-October ghost whimsy. Enjoy!

Nov 01

Hey, it’s me, the Regular Features Podcast. Let me open up way wide for you. Excuse me. Wow, what have we got here?! Gav has rented a Morgan Freeman voice. Joe has got the Alienest alien show of London. And Steve refuses to put his clock back, like a real time criminal. Hope you like ... Read more

Nov 07

Do you ever get that thing where you’re just about to fall asleep and you suddenly feel yourself falling and you jerk yourself awake again? That’s us, giving you a little goodnight kiss. Sorry, we just can’t help ourselves! In this episode, Log dreams up an entire Steve feature. Steve is sick and tired of ... Read more

Nov 14

This episode entitles you to one free yacht, redeemable at your nearest marina. Log will tell you everything you need to know to get the most out of your new boat. Then Joe will unravel his own misapprehensions about what a bird is descended from. Then we’ll break for lunch, have a think about what ... Read more

Nov 20

Joe screams and howls until flying kicks are reinstated in society. Steve brings you a hands-on preview of the new PlayStation. And Log embarks on an journey right up Joe’s, well, umm, how else can we put this, penois. Well, let’s not waste any more time. The quicker we start the quicker we’re done and ... Read more

Nov 28

Joe sets out to change a few laws with some harmless presidential bullying. Log writes his own episode of Star Trek in an attempt to derive something of worth from the wasted hours spent hate-watching the newest one. And Steve, god bless him, tries his best to simply stay out of their way. Let’s go!

Dec 04

Gav takes matters into his own hands to catch a local parcel thief. Steve invites you into the vice-addled underworld of investment banking. And Log reports live from a tide of puppies. NOTES: Steve incorrectly states that Lena Dunham wrote Industry. While Dunham directed the first episode, the show is in fact created by Mickey ... Read more

Dec 13

Giddy up, ladies. Log is open for business, with an entire bazaar’s worth of Regular Features purchasables just for the readers. Joe investigates the origin of that big old pepperoni pizza in the music video for Eamon’s 2004 hit, Eff It (I Don’t Want You Back). Steve stares on, a hunger in his eyes and ... Read more

Dec 21

In this ALMOST LIVE episode, Log invites you to explore the soundscape of a reader’s body, Steve’s been on the hunt for his local missing dogs, and Gavin libels Colonel Sanders, then goes after Aunt Bessie for good measure.

Dec 24

Nadolig Llawen, Nollaig Shona Daoibh and Happy Christmas to all of our beloved readers. In this rare FOUR BOY EPISODE, Joe is visited by a very shy old acquaintance with a guitar. Steve learns the horrible truth about what’s up with all the bees. And Log successfully hosts an entire Punch and Judy show while ... Read more

Dec 31

International mega-psychic and telepathic thorn in Nintendo’s side, Uri Geller’s back, and this time he’s got an entire museum of curios for you to explore. Steve’s also got something about frozen food, after he saw a bag of omelette in Iceland. Gav got bumped, HARD. See you next year, baby!