“Meep meep,” meeped God, from his lily pad in the exact centre of Lake Ontario.
It would be six billion years before you sailed by and found him, kissed him on the hairless bit between his thigh and genitals, and became a living part of a modern mythos. Little did you know Neil Gaiman was watching from a lighthouse.
326: A Very Furry Ramble
Who likes accompanying good boys on strolls? I hope the answer is you because that is exactly what this podcast is. Five one-man features with a golden thread. You really don’t get this kind of conceptual shit going on with any other podcast. Well, you might, but I’m not listening to them all to find ... Read more
327: Hungry Like The Drone
Everyone’s banging on about that Bandersnatch, so we’ve got TWO Choose Your Own Adventures this week that are much better cause they’re not about games. Because we’re cool dudes, not nerds.
328: Scorpion’s Secrets and Farts
Hi, I’m J0n0th0n, the Regular Features webmaster. This week, Steve, Joe and Log compared farts, became Mortal Kombat characters and were graced with the return of a shy friend. Don’t forget that I’m always here too, the webmaster, making sure the http has an S on the end and setting up the email Daemon. Don’t ... Read more
329: Duke of Slime Towels
In this one, Steve tells the true story of Prince Philip’s big nasty car flip, Matt steals a towel and Joe has problems with slime towns. Yes, the audio quality is garbageholes, but we had to make do. We made so much do, that it went everywhere. Sorry.
330: Microfeatures – The Return
Somehow, despite being down to fewer members than normal, we wrote twice as many the number of average features? Somebody get onto Einstein because this is some bad math!! E equals MC NEAT and DJ WHAT THE FUCK? Anyway Joe and Steve were here and Log helped loads from far away.
331: Celery Business
Nothing in this world is certain except Dale Winton coming at you with some celery, demanding you feed it to him, and then slapping it out of your hand and turning away coquettishly when you try to. And taxes. In this episode you get both. Matt shares his Brexmageddon bunker shopping list. Log dreams about ... Read more
332: The Slutty Chessmaster’s Zombie News
This week Gav brings you the news as per usual and Steve remembers an old cheat code which caused an old man to get his nips out. It’s a two-man back and forth that simply won’t stop
333: Fist World Problems
Log has bought everyone first class tickets to the strange and wonderful land of Fist World. Steve introduces us to the new political party of Westminster. And Joe introduces his ears to the incredible sounds of the London underground.
334: Bumbrella Fitzgerald’s Pikachu Dick
By a lucky coincidence, all of us have had a reaction to some form of “media” this week. Log’s watched a TV show, Joe’s scrutinised a trailer, and Steve’s been in to see a film, and they’re ALL drinking whiskey out of a little glass submarine. That’s right, it’s time for another craaaaazy episode of ... Read more
335: I Begum Your Pardon?
Joe wants to jump headlong with his long old head into the world of podcast-TV adaptation, with some Big Papa John. Steve has something extremely erudite and important to say about the Shamima Begum affair. Log demonstrates once again that he can’t stop thinking about sex but not, you know, properly.
336: Tales of the Smear
Two men, over a hundred miles apart, coming up with two features about “the poop”? What are the odds of that happening? A million to one, right? Would if effect your estimation if I told you that the three men appearing in this episode had to set up a WhatsApp group called “RF POOP SHOOTS” ... Read more
337: To Sleep, Perchance to Ski
Matt’s back, you guys! And when he’s not explaining in the most accurate terms why going skiing like he did is Tory af, he’s squealing in raw delight at Steve’s slogans for “International Sleep Day”, the marketing invention that can be used by a variety of products, such as Casper Mattresses, Philips SAD lamps, and ... Read more
338: Grapesalicious Gandolfini
In this episode you will meet no fewer than three James Gandolfinis, no fewer than one Grapesalicious Bordain, and one more than none Matt Lees with a bunch of allergies sellotaped to his back. Hello, this is Regular Features. Thank you for lending us your ears once again. Maybe this time you’ll get them back ... Read more
339: Beardless in Old Jaffa
Joe’s been spying on Uri Geller, Log’s investigated the new financial year but WHO CARES because there’s a missing beard to discuss!!
340: Daddy’s Affirmation Quiz
One of those rare episodes where we couldn’t get together – which means you’ll have to imagine us reacting lovingly to each other. Or maybe you could react lovingly yourself, by laughing and smiling while we parade before your disbelieving faces, this series of monologues from three of your top five members of Regular Features!
341: Julian ‘Big Legs’ Assange
Only two boys turned up this week, but thankfully those two boys were LOG and MATT, who are very capable indeed thank you very much. There’s legs going crazy, there’s Assange getting arrested and erotic, and strike me down if there isn’t a Toon Blast Bear Daddy aside. Byyyyye.
342: Features 4 Justice
Stop or we’ll shoot! Shoot a hot load of podcast bullets into your willing face, that is, because this week’s episode is all about justice. Justice for Steve and his busted up mouth. Justice for Log’s new film noir detective stories. And justice for Joe, who couldn’t do a feature because the actual police said ... Read more
343: Wacko Jacko’s Werewolf Chase
Let Gav and Steve take you on a journey involving werewolves, blankets, Michael Jackson and a woman who may or may not be crying.
344: Rondy Crime Safe
Oh it’s you. Hey! This week Joe is doing the opposite of safe cracking. Steve is doing the opposite of giving his bike to a policeman. And Log is doing the opposite of satirising an actual living person who has legal recourse to lawsuit our sweet little puckered patoots. It’s opposite time! Please don’t support ... Read more
345: Anne Robinson’s Socialist Post Office
Matt went to Denmark and discovered a practical application of socialism. Meanwhile, Log went to a new and angry post office. Steve attended.
346: Fridge Raiding Sky Penis
She packed my bags last night, pre-flight. Zero hour, nine AM. And I think I’ll be high-igh-igh, as a kite by then. That’s a little poem I just made up about the latest episode of Regular Features, because Joe has a feature about a sky penis (high as a kite), Steve has a feature about ... Read more
347: Goodnight James Brown
In this episode, we got James Brown, we got Brown James, we got Nicholas Lyndhurst, we hurt Lynne Ninkledurst, and we finally solve what was it that was did happen at Chernobyl in that crazy little town. It’s a good one! We promise you that.
349: Flippy Floppy Wappy Fappy
Log falls into a pit of Boris-made despair, Matt recieves an important text message, Steve recalls terrible experiences with early downloadable digital smut.
350: Auf Bee-dersehen Tom
Good day madam. In this episode of the Regular Features podcast, Gavin uncovers the sordid undercurrent of homophobia and bigotry in the Auf Wiedersehen Pet fan community, Joe reintroduces us to our old buddy MySpace Tom, who has an update about his house, and Steve has a flight (of the bumblebee) of fancy, as he ... Read more
351: Dermot O’Gravy
There’s just no getting away from it, we’ve done another episode of a podcast and we’re not going to apologise. I’m sorry but that’s just how it is. Wait, that’s a Simpsons joke, I swear I thought of it independently. In this one, Log gets tiny in a big boat of gravy, Steve reveals his ... Read more
352: Helmer’s Fleshy Dogs
This week Matt, Steve and Joe explore the gamut of comedic subjects including reusable sperm buckets, hot dogs and Roger Helmer.
353: Good Boys Go Spicy
In this bumper bonus edition, Steve produces the go-to to-do list for go-getters who gone and got a new home, Joe introduces us to the man behind the elemental gun that is super-effective on men who are standing in puddles, and Gav decides to use his powers for good, in a feature that shows that ... Read more
354: Whiskey Fuelled Reader Suggestions
This week let Steve, Gav and a beautiful man named Log guide you through the world of reader suggest Regular Features.
355: New Lees Who Dis
There was an accident at the lab and now there are two Leeses on the pod. Where does one end and the other begin? Which is the evil one that I need to shoot? And which is Log more sexually attracted to? Find out all this and possibly less in this week’s thrilling episode of ... Read more
356: Joe vs. Steve’s Mucky Meerkat House
This week Joe takes a tour of Steve’s filthy house and discovers a little bit about himself along the way.
357: Stranger Shagger Boys
This week Joe turns Gav n Log’s history into a video game and we get a visit from one of our favourite guests.
358: Sweatshirts, Wet Shoes, and Driving Gloves
If you think this episode sounds a bit “garment-heavy”, you’ll be glad to hear that I snipped out two minutes of utterly jokeless sock chat. Something for Patreons, I reckon. This week, Matt enters the metaphysical world of sweat, Steve asks “did I do a Gavin” regarding a man’s shoe, and Log takes you on ... Read more
359: Tossed Salad and Scrambled Algorithms
We hope the Saturday release of this podcast has not ruined your usual reading regime. In this episode, Matt explores exactly one (1) instance of the Frasierverse, Log feeds 10,000 hours of Regular Features into the bin, and Joe and Gav team up in Germany to sling back some hot reportage from the Gamescom thing ... Read more
360: I Babadooked A Dick And I Liked It
The boys have never ever been QUITE as sweaty – Steve does a bird thing, Log is Baba and Baba is Log, Matt goes to the races, Joe is a Warhammer 40kunt, and Gav’s dog has been a bad dog.
361: Touch My Bird
What do the Cheeky Girls have in common with a small, stuffed blackbird? Both of them inspire us to greater things. Would you like to know more? Listen to this week’s episode of the Regular Features podcast, and be enlightened
362: Champagne Egg
In this episode of Regular Features, Joe finds a new pet for the podcast inside of a egg, Log takes us on a tour of Nottingham’s sights, and Steve brings us all the latest news from the big Apple event in Cupertino.
363: Incoming Transmissions
The Regular Features boys have been scattered to the four quadrants, and now it’s up to Joe to beam a series of hot emissions from our orbital podcast base directly into your tiny, porcelain baby ears. Log has lovely bones. Steve has a Land Rover. And Gav interviews Coco.
364: Hungry Hungry Taxi Gravy
Woah there Nelly Furtado, would you just look at the length of this absolute unit of an episode. Either we had way too much fun recording it, or whoever was in charge of editing this one waved through a lot of garbage that should have been cut. We’ll never tell! Log wonders what happens when ... Read more
365: Kate Bush Wasp Squash
In this episode, Steve invites us into his favourite bush, Joe continues the interactive Orphean squash journey of Clive Nationality, and all of Log’s wasp knowledge comes out in one foul and educational outburst. You love to see it.
366: Anus Brunch Revisited
This week Joe goes DEEPER into a certain festival photo and Steve enjoys a bit of brunch. Gav is also in attendance and is a very important part of the podcast and NOT just because he’s writing this.
367: Shitting Roomba and the Techno Douche
Well well well, if it ain’t a Reader, come crawlin’ back to my Regular Features Saloon, cap in hand, hopin’ for another dose of that features medicine y’all need so much. I betcha want a little bit of Log trying to be business-like, or a story from oooool’ Matt about his mouse dealings. Haha I ... Read more
368: Who Put Poo In Spoon
Joe returns to his beloved Instabae, the Spoonbending Wizard of Israel. Log panic-writes a sea-faring ballad with NO TIME LEFT, and Matt takes the subject of his dodgy guts, and really runs with it. We cannot apologise enough about the sheer amount of excrement in this issue
369: Spooky Times at the El Rimmel
This week we bring THREE spooky stories from Steve, Joe and Gav. Don’t have nightmares. And if you do, it’s not our fault. It’s Matt’s.
370: Shaggerbombing at the Wedding
This week we’ve got features galore – you’ve got yer Log, you’ve got yer Steve and even a Gav. What more do you want from us?!
371: The Two Biggest Popes
It’s a guilt bonanza as Joe, Log and Steve collectively decide to write almost entirely about religion for reasons that will probably become terrifyingly clear to them on their deathbed (they’re all going to die together in the same bed). Read E.H. Macmillan’s incredible Bird comic here: twitter.com/m4pala/status/1192299673479835648
372: King of Brussels Sprouts
Look, it’s just Steve and Log this week, so you can expect about twenty minutes of low-energy discussion on the topic of sandwiches cut with some top-notch King whimsy. Everybody else will be back soon, please be patient with us during these trying times.
373: Rush Hour Sun Taint
It’s time to get down and dirty with your three favourite boys.Favourite 1 & 2: Joe and Steve are in the studio with lovely/funny features.Favourite 3: Gav interjects with a tale about presents and revenge.
374: Ebeneezer Great
It’s shocking. It’s frightening. But you can’t look away. You cannot take your eyes off it. It is episode 374 of the Regular Features podcast. Joe has discovered the only thing in this world that can bring unity to the British public, Log dips into his bottomless well of altruism, and Steve lets you in ... Read more
375: 2019 Election Special
Have YOU voted in the 2019 election? If you have then here’s a special podcast as a present just to say thanks.
376: Karnspiracy Theories
Hope you’ve got some paper towels ready, because it’s time for another Regular Features, the wettest and heaviest podcast in town. This week, Joe and Gav investigate the wild world of minor celebrities openly debasing themselves for small amounts of money. And that is frankly all that’s worth mentioning about this episode.
377: Festive Wanderings
We’re in between Christmas and New Year’s, in that curious period of time that lately has come to be known as St. Goochmas Week. Gav is walking Coco and talking loco, Steve is plane, train and automobiling himself entirely inside a National Express coach, and Joe reintroduces us to a very special Secret Santana. Happy ... Read more