Hi, I’m Steve Hogarty from the Regular Features podcast. And if you know anything about me, you’ll know I’m batty for dogs! So when Log asked me to log into the back end of our website and offer a highly personalised service, I didn’t have to think twice.
I, Steve Hogarty, will let your dog have a go in my mouth.
Let me reassure you – this won’t be the first time I have had a dog having a right good go on my face. I have looked after my good friend Gav’s dog on several occasions, and anyone looking through the windows could have been forgiven for thinking that I was under ferocious attack from an extremely tenacious facehugger.
I fully realise that the phrase “have a go in my mouth” leaves room for interpretation that your imagination may well be filling. So let me reassure you once again by stating that I have no intention of clarifying what the phrase actually means.
Does it mean I will put a biscuit in my mouth, and allow your German Shepherd to rummage around in there with his tongue? I can neither confirm nor deny this version of events. Anyway: stop asking questions! Time is running out.
You have twenty minutes after payment to deliver your dog to the helipad of my tower block, and drop the crate containing your pet into the neon-lit jacuzzi. At this point, I will slither from a ventilation shaft and squirm across the storm-drenched tarmac, following the scent of fur and anxiety. My large – yet docile – assistant will erect a privacy parasol so the secret process doesn’t appear on Google Earth, and once we are irreversibly ensconced, the whole process usually takes about half an hour. Some growling is normal, and should not alarm you.
Please note that all payments and dogs are non-returnable.