“Jesus Christ, I can’t believe it! After all these years?”
“It would seem so. What should we tell them?”
“Get out of my way, nurse. Readers, you’ve been asleep for… well, a very long time. We’ve got flying horses these days, and phones are obsolete because we’ve all got antennae. Thankfully, one thing remains static: Regular Features, and this week Log, Steve and Joe are all talking about inuits, and noses and diseases and everything. Now for god’s sake put some clothes on, you’re embarrassing yourself.”
Another insurmountable crisis has left our boys unable to meet – but THAT won’t stop us! Let Steve take you on a super soaraway adventure in the highest place there is – space itself. Joe’s feature brings us crashing back to earth, and Log’s feature burrows as deep as humans have ever been – a wet cave. And it’s all glued together with the highly sought-after voice talent of the sexiest man alive. Come, you spirits, that tend on mortal thoughts! Unsex me here, lest I blow my load on public transport
Steve has gone to see the Sonic movie, and Log has noticed that it was a bit blowy recently. What more do you want? Oh, you want a song and dance do you? You want bells and whistles? You want me on all fours, with a bell around my neck and a whistle jammed into my ass. What I’m getting from this entire conversation is that you want my flatulence to agitate a pea. Well it’s not going to happen
I’ve got a tummy full of lentils and I’m ready to burn down a house. But before that, here’s another episode of Regular Features.
In this one, Log tries to clap eyes on a houseworth of elusive alpha boys, Steve tackles the insidious influence of Big Pharma, and Matt tests out Log’s uncanny ability to commune with condiments. Wow!
IT’S TIME ONCE AGAIN TO BECOME ONE WITH THE INEFFABLE COSMIC CLOUD THAT IS SOME FEATURES. SNIFF THE DIRTY SPACE DUST THAT CAME OUT OF THE PUSSY PALS. MARVEL AT THE NEBULAN LIGHTS COMING FROM A CONSTELLATION OF A WELL YOU ARE COMPELLED TO SMELL. BUY A TOUCAN LAMP. IT’S ALL GOOD BABY JUST BE COOL WITH IT.
“Get that Grizzly out of my sandwich stash, Mr Hargreaves – or I’ll jam my Capri-Sun straw in his bunghole.” This is just one of the things you’d have heard at our primary school, where one of the teachers was an unruly Bear. But after he let a starving child lick honey off his paw, everyone saw that perhaps he was a human being after all.
Here have some brand new features! Including the return of TWO characters from TWO YEARS AGO! Who, you ask? Good question! We weren’t sure either
Sound the horns, see the signs, taste the mud, smell a hedge, touch a friend, because this burr-rand new episode of the Regular Features podcast is a sensory overload.
Log discovers a kindred soul with a love of big boys to match his own, Joe has unearthed Uri Geller’s application to join the government, and Steve has invited an old food critic friend around to explain the latest culinary craze.
Welcome to the new Millennium. Here is a podcast that is exactly the same as it always was and always will be. We’re not changing and if you ask us to we’ll scream and we’ll scream and we’ll scream and then tell you to fuck off. HNY!! xx
We’re in between Christmas and New Year’s, in that curious period of time that lately has come to be known as St. Goochmas Week. Gav is walking Coco and talking loco, Steve is plane, train and automobiling himself entirely inside a National Express coach, and Joe reintroduces us to a very special Secret Santana. Happy Christmas, readers.